Watching My Sister (post 34)

Friday was the day my sister gave up her BRCA2 boobs.  She is 38 years old.  This time at the hospital I wasn’t on the OR table she was.  Preparing her was tough.  I knew what she was about to endure.  I knew how rough it was going to be but I had to be strong for her.  I reminded her about the reason that brought her to this OR, the sacrifice that she was making was for her family and her future.  I tried to send her off to the OR feeling empowered like Superwoman, but I knew no matter what was on her face, inside she was terrified.  

She was in surgery a very long time but when she came out I was there.  It is hard to write this now even without the emotion.  My sister she is strong but she doesn’t know how strong she is.  Making the decision to even be tested for BRCA is strength, to go through all those procedures to get cleared for surgery is brave.  To endure the phone call that comes after a biopsy or mammogram or mri where the Dr. says we found something is brave as hell. But to put on a gown and know that the other side of this surgery is BRCA2 free is the bravest.  Women chose to give up a very real part of them to skip cancer and chose life but that choice itself, is loss. Loss of your feminine identity, the vehicle that you fed your babies with, and the thing that makes you feel like a women. It is a loss that no one can understand unless they have done it. 

The surgery is just the beginning.  The healing process is so hard.  They give you meds but they can’t prevent all the pain.  My sister is being strong for her husband and kids and for sure the people visiting her but she is in pain.  I told her today that the night is the worst.  When you have been strong all day but at night you have to face laying in that bed for hours hoping you can just sleep and that you don’t wake anyone up when you start crying. 

I cried every night for at least three days.  I of course woke my husband up and he of course told me I was tough and made the right decision, that I was going to get through it all.  He was right, I did.  Each day gets easier and the terrible drains eventually come out but the journey to that day seems so very far away.  I empathize with my sister more than she knows.  I live far away and am home now but know all to well what the night brings.  I wish I could take that pain from her and skip her ahead to next week. I do know that she is strong, that she will get there on her own and she too will make this a part of her past.  This pain is temporary and it will not define her!  I love you Lil sis!