Today was the Worst Part 2 (post 16)

The ball was in my hand, my boobs were hanging down, I was super uncomfortable and nervous, and freaked out. This is when I heard some one else say, "Ok, I am going to put you in the machine now". I am not sure how far but it felt like I was going backwards, tits out, down a ridiculously long dark hallway. They said something but I couldn't hear. I was in for awhile, then out, then back in, then out, then in, then contrast, then out again. This is when I heard a bunch of people talking asking for the biopsy tray, and peroxide, and then a women asking if this was the right way, then the Dr, guiding her. The woman said, "You are going to feel a little cold because I am cleaning the area". Then the tech said they were going to numb the area. I felt a pinch and then a burn. Then there was conversation about placing the needle. Then the needle went in and they said I would hear a vacuum sound, and I did. Then there was clicking. Then I felt the tech grab my hand. I heard the Dr. say, "Lets go ahead and get a sample of the chest wall". Then the woman with the needle pushed harder and I gasped because I could feel it.

I think up until this moment I had been on a trajectory to fix the BRCA2 positive result, to not let it define me, to not live in fear. The moment I felt that pain the entire situation became real to me. I was there in that moment, not because of the BRCA2 positive result. I was there in that moment because they suspected cancer. I realized in that moment that whether I had it or not, cancer changes everything. I held still, I did not move, but that moment is when I cried. For the first time in the whole process, I cried. While I was still crying tears falling straight out of my eyes as I look at the table under me, not able to move to wipe them away, they put me back in the machine.

When they pulled me out for what I hoped was the last time, the voices were gone. It was the two techs and the Dr. The resident was gone as well as all 4 of the people who followed me in. The techs helped me roll over and the Dr. put a dressing on. She didn't give me any information about what she saw other then pathology would be back in 3 days. After that the techs walked me back to the area. I thought I was done, but I was not. I still needed a mammogram. I asked why and they said to make sure they can see the clip for a baseline for all future mammograms. I knew that I wasn't going to have another mammogram in my life because 8 days from that exact moment I would be going to the recovery room after having undergone a double mastectomy.

CANCER CHANGES EVERYTHING!