The Ultrasound (post 14)

Today was particularly annoying. I was fortunate to get an ultrasound appointment on an afternoon within 24 hours of finding out the MRI showed something. The Breast Guy wanted a biopsy with the ultrasound which would clear me for surgery. I had not had good luck with breast ultrasounds.

So although I was able to get a quick appointment, it meant that both my husband and myself had to take time off of work, make arrangements for the kids and make the 1 hour plus trip to imaging.

When I arrived the ladies were as nice as they had always been. I had a different tech this time but the same experience with the low lighting and the pink gowns. The facility was new and really beautiful. I don't think I noticed it the last trip because I was nervous. This time I took in more details while I sat there in my pink gown waiting for the tech. I noticed how quiet it was , the tiny pink breath mints and the breast self check guides on the table. I remember sitting there thinking, that the last time I was here it was a formality on my pre-op checklist. Today seems more serious, almost targeted.

The tech came back to get me and took me to a room. She explained that she was going to ultrasound my breast and asked me to take my sleeve off. This meant there it was again, my boob out for all to see. She used warm gel for which I thanked her. While she was digging around on my boob clearly not finding anything I was looking over her shoulder at another computer screen. I don't know what was on it but it looked like two people hugging tightly with dunce caps on their heads. I couldn't understand what was happening in the picture. While I was trying to give it my best avid Grey's Anatomy watching diagnosis, the tech said, "Can you hang on just a minute I need to go and get the Radiologist?". I was so deeply engrossed in my investigation I nodded and she left the room. While she was gone the image disappeared and the log in screen came on. This left me to stair at the ceiling.

A few minutes later the tech came back with the Radiologist to take another look at this mystery spot. The tech logged into the computer and there up on the screen was that image again. They started talking about the spot and the Radiologist pointed at the image and said this is a view of her upside down so the spot is just behind the nipple. Well let me tell you I was horrified! Those people hugging in the image was actually a cross section of my body cavity and the dunce caps, yeah you guessed it, they were my sad pointy little post feeding 2 babies boobs boobs hanging upside down through those two holes I described on the MRI table. I don't know what is more disturbing, that I couldn't decipher my own boobs, that in reality hanging off my body my boobs look like dunce caps, or there are countless people out there that will only see my BRCA boobs in that image. Back in the day BK (Before Kids) those size C's were pretty nice.

Today, in this moment and that image they were not nice and they needed to come off. If only these lovely ladies could find the spot and biopsy it to send it to pathology. Well after some time and lots of warm gel they gave up and said, "We can't see anything". I was frustrated not about them but about the whole process and the idea that I drove over an hour to get there and that I took time off of work, took my husband away from work, and it was for nothing. I think the doctor could tell I was upset and offered me some information about the spot. She said it was small and it was not near either the nipple, skin, or chest wall. She said whatever it was it would likely not impact the surgery. I told her I needed the results to clear me for surgery. She said she would call the Breast Guy,

I got dressed and the the doctor found me. She said the Breast Guy did want pathology on the spot and that he was ordering a MR guided biopsy. Those were words I did not want to hear. I thanked her for her kindness and she wished me good luck. I left the imaging area to schedule yet another collection of hours away from my obligations. This was all to move on in this long tiring, emotional journey that is called BRCA2 positive. I wanted so badly to be in the recovery stage of this first surgery, Today was annoying because I was leaving there no further along in the process than when I came. I had now a new extremely painful hurdle to clear before I could move onto the first surgery. Today was the first time I felt like I was helpless in this journey.